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Sunday, September 4, 2016

Letting Go Of The Dead While Still Holding On.

I lurk now in the shadows in attempts to avoid the noise and the questions I so dread. I dreamt of mom again the night before last making yesterday a tougher day to deal with the questions of well meaning people. Mom was with me but this time she looked confused, lost almost, she wanted to stay by my side but was being pulled away by some unseen force. While I understood that she was not supposed to be here she did not know why she could not remain. I gently told her that she had to go, but she looked lost, scared and hurt that I was telling her this. 

"Where am I going?"
she asked as she looked into my eyes. 

With tears streaming down my cheeks I replied,
"I do not know mom, I do not know." 

I awoke to my own sobs.


Kmarie said...

Its tougher when the person expresses they are not ready to go yet. Because she said this to your aunt and you it makes the processing different...knowing on her last day she was not ready and upset about it...thus the dreams manifest. Im so sorry. That is so hard to live through over and over in dreams.

Those who have that "surety" of heaven may think they have an easier time because they can comfort themselves with words like "she is home now" or "she is happy now" ect. thus the processing is different- If they need that to get through that is fine...but I think it is very brave for the people who do not fully subscribe with absolute surety to the afterlife ( because really it is not 100 percent for anything) to go through the grief process honestly while also acknowledging their current reality of loss instead of relying on that false sense of support. However, that said, if that is crucial to them staying sane- why not? it's important for all of us to be able to comfort ourselves in grief and if it works for them- its important. As long as you are not judged for saying you are not comforted by the afterlife comments. Her death was traumatic and as far as deaths go it involves more processing due to some of the extended circumstances. Loss and grief are unique and individual. There is not right way or wrong way of doing it. Anger is allowed. Denial is allowed. We are human and we need that allowance to BE. You are brave, important and significant. Standing with you as you process as a witness, support and general presence.

I am sorry for the loss of mom but especially the loss of what she was in your life...and just her life in general. The fact that it was due to multiple fallible doctors and preventative mistakes and judgement calls that she could of survived from makes that more confusing. It's a lot to process. I admire the realness and bravery that you do. Love you. xo

Tim said...

You guys are the bravest and intelligent people I have the honor to know.

Kmarie said...

Thank you Tim. We have missed the get togethers when we can catch up and hope to resume soon if our exhaustion levels improve in general...maybe winter...
Hope your Autumn brings warmth and joy.