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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Do You Know What Hurts Me?

The bruised reed, he will not crush and the smouldering wick, he will not quench.
I once heard a story of a rabbi who claimed that he learned the meaning of love from a drunken peasant. One morning he went to visit a friend of his who owned a local tavern. When the rabbi arrived at the tavern  he saw two men sitting at a table together, both drunk out of their minds and reassuring each other of their love for one another. He heard one of the drunkards, Ivan, say to the other, "Peter, do you know what hurts me?".  Rosy cheeks and bleared eyes Peter responded, "How do I know what hurts ya?" With quick retort Ivan answered, "If you don't know what hurts me how can you say you love me?"
If you don't know what hurts me how can you say you love me?
 It is a difficult thing to do, journeying through life, when no one understands your hurts. What then, when not even you yourself understands? The last five-six years had been a time of many trials, sorrows and darkness for myself. Depression, the dark and menacing depths of my soul, is what has hurt me. When one is really depressed (not merely sad) please! please! do not tell them to "just snap out of it" or "suck it up". These words do nothing, they only contribute. No, the truly depressed are not sad, they just are and that is what depresses the depressed. To know all blessings, riches and present joy, but not be able to embrace it, is what draws one deep into Hell. (I have been there and if you ask me, I will tell you what wins.)
If you don't know what hurts me how can you say you love me?
Life is no easy journey. We will fail, we will fall, and we will be losers. Never! Never! think that God can not handle anything that we throw at the great Splagchnizomai. I have been in raged filled moments of doubt, fear and loneliness and have wailed,
"Christ I hate you! Damn you God! Get out of my life! Enough of this Christian bullshit! It's over!". 
 It was within one of these moments of honesty, that I have discovered words that have never been so life impacting as these,
"It's ok, Philip. I understand. I am here. I am with you and I am for you." 
 and along with it the sound of weeping, not for me, but with me. A deep gut wrenching cry from deep within the bowels.
"I understand. I am here. I am with you and I am for you."
This is the transforming compassion and life renewing words,
"My little Children I will not leave you orphans. I know what hurts you. Here I am. I will not leave you."
 The Great Splagchnizomai loves us and knows what hurts us more then we ourselves can ever comprehend.



Kmarie said...

I know that well too. Sorry it has hurt and there have been moments I can't help. I adore you you know. Especially when you use words that look like spaghetti to me.
I love that you used that word for compassion because just like God gives it to us- you have given it to me in copious amounts ( how is that for a word?) :)
I'm gad to have you back on better footing. For better or for worse right? Sometimes beautiful truths take the harshest reality.
I love you. A lifetime would not be enough.

Krista said...

I spent a lot of time swearing at God this past year as I have in years past. I KNOW he appreciates that more than empty eloquence. Some days are better than others, some months and some years but I know this too shall pass.

CalledtoQuestion said...

Kmarie - Thanks babe. I love you. You have been my greatest support, your the best. I do like my spaghetti.

Krista - The honesty of humankind unto God is of upmost importance. Without it we only fool ourselves and others. I like what Elie Weasel stated,

"I rarely speak about God. To God yes. I protest against Him. I shout at Him. But open discourse about the qualities of God, about the problems that God imposes, theodicy, no. And yet He is there, in silence, in filigree."

Trish said...

You know how your relationship is a matter between you and your wife? And when it is good it bubbles out and everyone sees and evidences it. Yet,you do not talk of the intimate personal relationship that makes you man and wife; it is a personal relationship...something special, a bond between the two of you that none other can understand. Those who are near to you know that there may be struggles but the inch by inch progression of your relationship and the private paths that take you on the journey is not for the public or even close friends to know. Only YOU know and your loved one knows that inner path. Well, that is how I feel it is with God. It is so precious it is not measured by anyone nor is it anyone's to judge or become intimate with. It destroys the essence when it is hashed and compared and formed into a ritualistic mimicry one from the other. N'est pas?

Good writing Phil

CalledtoQuestion said...

Trish - Thanks. You are quite right, in that no one should measure, judge or even try to be intimate with the relationship we have with the divine. It is a relation that is weaved so mysteriously and magically between divinity and oneself that though others may try to join and control it, it simply can not be amalgamated. However, I'm sure you'll agree, that when we accept the love and relation of the divine we become more able to, and should in fact, join and coexist in love with others on their journeys through life with it's joys, sorrows, successes and failures.